


Whose tallest of them all.

by ArtyMissK



Series: Tall Tales [2]
Category: The Hobbit All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Height Differences, Hobbit kink fill, If you read between the lines, Other, Slight Pairings, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-20 19:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2440241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine telling one of the dwarves that you like tall men & then all of them fighting over who is the tallest.</p><p>Current chapter summery;<br/>Balin puts his final plan into action…with awesome results.</p><p>**Any thoughts on who should be the tallest and win the kiss from our fair lady?**</p><p>Vote for your favourite dwarf (or bilbo)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!)

 “Lass?” you’re asked while mending a hole in your shirt.

 

“Yes Kili.”

 

“What do you look for in a man?” try as they might, you can see all of the dwarves you’re travelling with are listening, even if they still manage to hold quiet conversation.

 

“Well…he’d have to be kind and strong and brave, definitely brave,” you pause trying to think of something else. A moment of brilliance hits you like a mattock and you decide to have a little fun with your dwarves, having been on the receiving end of their practical jokes since you joined the quest. “but most of all he’d have to be…tall.”

 

“Tall?” repeats Kili.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How tall?” asks Ori, who may or may not be making notes in that secret diary of his.

 

“Taller than Bilbo, but not as tall as an elf!”

 

“She’s got good taste, who’d fancy elves.” interjects Bofur to your left.

 

“B’sides Kili!” adds Nori.

 

“So, are any of them tall enough?” asks Bilbo, seeming to have caught on.

 

“Yeah, are any of us tall enough?” Kili repeats hopefully.

 

“Oh, I suppose one or two of you might be tall enough, but is isn’t as though I’ve checked.” you reply innocently.

 

In a matter of minutes Fili and Kili are back to back trying to test their height with their hands.

 

“Stop pushing my head down!” shouts Kili.

 

“I wouldn’t if you weren’t standing on your toes!” Fili responds.

 

“Stop it, lads.” you weren’t expecting Dwalin to join in so quickly. “Anyone can see I’m taller than the pair of ye.” he says standing tall and puffing out his chest.

 

“Not so fast, Dwalin I’m just as tall as you.” joins Dori.

 

“Surely, the fairest way to see who is truly the tallest would be to…to…” you falter,

 

“Yes, come on what would be fairest?”

 

Stuck for for words you try to think of something vaguely sensible. “Would be to measure your heights with a length of rope!” Bilbo interrupts, you throw him a thankful smile pleased that he his also playing along.

 

“Rope! What good would rope be?” why does Kili have to keep asking questions.

 

“Well, if you placed the end of the rope between your toes it could be pulled parallel to your height.” you supply helpfully, thinking on the spot.

 

“And what prize does the winner get?” of course Nori would be the one to ask about prizes.

 

“Well the winner gets a kiss of course!” Bilbo pauses, before quickly adding “From her not…not me, obviously!”

 

“Bofur, get the rope.” oh, yes Thorin’s joined in too.

 

“I’ll keep tally.” offers Bilbo.

 

Its difficult not to laugh at the scene before you, each dwarf no matter his years, is trying to measure his own height with a length of rope. Balin is of course the shortest of the dwarves, followed by Ori and Bombur.

 

“Nori stop cheating,” shouts Dori.

 

“What?” replies Nori indignantly.

 

“That’s not how tall you are!”

 

“I’m including me ‘air!”

 

“You can do that?” asks Kili hopefully.

 

~ 


	2. My legs are longer than yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dwarves try to win your affection by proving who has the longest legs and is therefore the tallest.

It had been two days since you confessed your love for tall, brave men and two days of the dwarves constantly bickering over who’s tallest.

 

Bilbo the cheeky sod that he is, is still quite happy to rile the dwarves over their height while professing to keep tally should any of them suddenly get taller overnight.

 

Even though Kili has taken to checking himself between meals.

 

Balin having declared himself the shortest and too old for a kiss has taken to helping Bilbo.

 

“Lassie, to put the lads out of their misery don't you think you could just kiss one of them?” he asks quietly as you walk side by side along the dirt track Thorin has chosen to take the company down this morning.

 

“Well I suppose so,” you reply “but at least it's keeping them motivated!” and honestly in your mind that's as good as any reason.

 

“Yes, but that's only because they’re looking for a village to purchase some tailors tape!” but of course, that's why Thorin is so adamant they keep going, villages of tailors just spring out of the ground when you want one.

 

“What if we found another way to measure their height?” asks Bilbo from in front of you.

 

“Maybe we could,” you start before hearing Fili and Kili arguing near the front of the troupe.

 

“Look brother, I’m tallest by far.” says Kili proudly.

 

“Not by that far brother-dearest.” replies Fili standing as tall as he can.

 

“I clearly am, my legs are far longer than yours!”  declares Kili, pulling up his coat to show of his legs.

 

“Yeah but my legs are longer than yours Kili!” shouts Dwalin from the rear of the troupe.

 

Of course this stops the company in their tracks as they fight to see who has the longest legs, there is a far amount of hip bumping as they try and throw each other of balance. Kili does of course have to take it further and produces his length of rope to measure Dwalin’s legs and then his own, followed by Nori’s legs when he happens to walk past.

 

“Is that kiss still on offer?”

 

“Yes, Nori.”

 

Bombur is first to be declared to short as he is wider than he is tall, not that it bothers him “Not to matter lassie, don't think my misses would like it!” he smiles.

 

Closely followed by Gloin, Ori and Bifur.

 

Then Bofur and Fili, who was most put out at being beaten by his brother “Look, I don't see how using a stupid piece of rope can tell whose got the longest legs!” cries the frustrated blonde.

 

“You would say that, you’re out!” hollers his brother in reply.

 

“Besides I’m the king, I have the longest legs!” announces Thorin suddenly, rising from the fallen tree where he has been watching the spectacle.

 

“Actually uncle that's not true!” rebuffs Kili in his best princes voice, not that it helps and he visibly wilts under Thorin’s glare.

 

“Why don't we forget the whole thing?” you say hoping to stop the situation getting out of hand.

 

“No chance lassie, I won’ meself that kiss!” winks Nori.

 

Thankfully Balin is ready to intervene and dissolves the situation in one sentence “Right lads, I will think of a way to fix this problem good and proper.”

 

And with that the company pick up their bags and ready themselves to move out.

 

“I’ve still got the longest legs.” grumbles Kili under his breath once his uncle is out of sight.

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts on who should be the tallest and win the kiss from our fair lady?


	3. How many hands high?

Balin had thought of many ways to try and solve the problem, but none seemed to work. It wasn't until the company came to rest in a quaint little road side inn that an idea hit Balin like a mattock. He sat watching the stable hand measure the height of the horses with his hands.

 

_That might just work_ thought the old dwarf to himself.

 

After dinner when the company were sitting comfortably and smoking their pipes Balin took it upon himself to once more broach the tenuous subject that has been driving the company crazy since the lass mentioned it.

 

“Lads, I’ve been thinking about ways to settle this unfortunate…mess.” says Balin calmly mid smoke.

 

“Really?” asks several of the dwarves at once.

 

“Yes, I’m going to measure your height the same way humans measure their steeds!” replies Balin flatly.

 

The looks of disbelief amongst the company are incredible and you have to bite your tongue to keep from laughing.

 

“Like horses?” asks Thorin slowly.

 

“Yes.” replies the white haired dwarf.

 

“As in…horses?!” says Thorin again, although much slower as though he doesn't quite believe what he’s saying.

 

“Yes.” answers Balin just as slowly, with a nod to his king.

 

“I think we’ve established that Balin wants to measure you like horses!” you say with a giggle, bringing the attention of the dwarves to you.

 

“You think this is funny girl?” growls grumpy gills.

 

“Well ye-…no not really.” you reply trying not to wilt under Thorin’s glare.

 

“Anyhoo! Lets get this show on the road,” says Balin taking the attention from you “Bilbo lad, do you have the notebook?”

 

“Yes I’m all ready!” replies the hobbit gleefully, he’s definitely enjoying this too much “who wants to go first?”

 

“I will!” says Kili excitedly.

 

Balin carefully measures the young Durinson with his hands, while counting under his breath.

 

“Bilbo, Kili is twenty-one hands tall!” says the old dwarf, while Kili preens with pride.

 

“Ori lad up you come!” calls Balin, motioning for the youngster to come to the front.

 

“Remember to stand up straight Ori.” says Dori helpfully as Ori stands in front of the gathered dwarves.

 

“Bilbo, young Ori is twenty hands tall.” states Balin, ignoring Dori’s proud shout of well done lad.

“I’m so gonna win that kiss!” smiles Kili leaning back in his seat next to his brother.

 

“Don't be so cocky brother-mine” scolds the blonde “Bofur is easily as tall as you!”

 

And that was when Balin realised the flaw in his plan, for Gloin, Bofur, Nori and Kili are easily all around the same height and will measure twenty-one hands tall.

 

“Oh dear!” says Balin despondently “that's problematic.”

 

“I thought you said you had a plan?!” questions Thorin, from where he is sat smoking his pipe.

 

“I do!” bristles Balin, slightly peeved that his plan has failed “But I may have made a slight judgmental error in my planning, lads.”

 

“Such as?” asks Gloin.

 

“Well, we’re all so close in height that using my hands may not actually work!” explains the old dwarf with a shrug.

 

“Maybe I could,” you start to say,

 

“No lassie, it's alright I’ll think of a better plan.” interrupts Balin as he sits next to his brother.

 

“No harm brother, ‘sides it's not your first plan to fail!” says Dwalin gleefully, giving his older brother a nudge.

 

“Thank you brother.”

 

“Anyway it's obvious I’m the tallest!” utters Dwalin before downing the contents of his tankard.

 

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so scores so far are
> 
> Thorin 2  
> Bofur I  
> Bilbo 2  
> Kili I
> 
> Please keep voting ☺


	4. A Little Extra Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balin puts his final plan into action…with awesome results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So final votes were
> 
> Thorin 3  
> Bofur 1  
> Bilbo 3  
> Kili 1  
> Ori 1

One week after the leg measuring incident Balin was still thinking of a way fair and reasonable way to measure the heights of his traveling companions.

 

So far none of his carefully planned ideas showed any signs of ever working.

 

“Well laddie that's it I’ve run out of ideas, they’re going to have to argue all the way to Erebor.” sighs Balin as walks next to Bilbo while half listening to Fili and Kili as they argue with Nori over ways to prove who’s tallest…again.

 

“Balin, I know it's sounds silly but something my mother did as a fauntling was mark my height on the wall in my bedroom.” says Bilbo, remembering the fond childhood memories.

 

“Aye laddie,” nods Balin “but we aren’t in your bedroom.” replies the white haired dwarf.

 

“I know that but we could do the same thing against a tree!” chuckles Bilbo.

 

“That won’t…actually thinking about it that's not a bad idea.” agrees Balin, before pausing to think out the details.

 

Later that afternoon when the company stops to make camp, Balin decides the time has come to broach the subject one final time.

 

“Missy this ends now, Bilbo and I have come up with an ingenious plan to put this silly matter to rest.” he tells you sternly.

 

“Thank the maker,” you cry “I wish I’d never mentioned it.”

 

“Yes well be that as it may, prepare yourself for that kiss.” smiles the old advisor.

 

“Okay done,” you pause to nod at your co-conspirators “what the plan?”

 

“See that smooth looking bark-less tree over there?” says Balin pointing to one the trees in the clearing.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, I’ll get the lads in a line and then I want you to make a mark on the tree with a piece of charcoal to show their height,” states Balin, running his fingers through his beard.

 

“And remember to write their name so you know who the line belongs to!” interrupts Bilbo.

 

“Why do I have to do it?” you ask nervously.

 

“Well you’re human and a fair bit taller than Bilbo and myself.” answers Balin in a calming tone.

 

“And with you marking the lines they can't say it's fixed!” interrupts Bilbo…again.

 

“Sounds like a plan!” you smile.

 

Balin nods signalling the end of your little discussion and then he moves to the centre of the camp, clearing his voice he calls for the attention of all dwarves present.

 

“Right lads there’s only one way to settle this dilemma, and settle it we shall.” he declares firmly to the rest of the company.

 

“You've discovered a way to see who’s tallest?” asks Kili excitedly.

 

“Yes lad.”

 

You begin to make your way to the smooth tree with Bilbo in tow and while listening to Balin explain the idea you quickly mark the hobbits height and a small B on the tree as an example for the others to see.

 

“I want all of you to make a orderly queue over by that tree the lass and Bilbo are standing.” continues the old dwarf, pointing at you.

 

“Why?” asks several of the dwarves at the same time.

 

“Just do as you’re told!” cries the exasperated advisor.

 

The dwarf stampede that suddenly heads your way is a little daunting, Dwalin makes it to you first thus signalling that the queue has started, there’s a fair amount of shoving in the ‘queue’, mostly from Nori and the boys behind Dwalin but no one was going to try and get in front of him.

 

Well almost no one.

 

Taking his time Thorin walks slowly walk across the camp once the queue has settled into order and stands directly in front of the guard captain.

 

“What d’ya think your doing?” grumbles Dwalin, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Yeah uncle line cutting isn’t allowed!” starts Kili.

 

“And it definitely looks like your cutting in.” finishes Fili.

 

“I’m king, they’re always at the front and queue for no one.” states Thorin in his I’m-an-important-dwarf-voice.

 

“Alright princess we geddit, jus’ stand against the bloomin’ tree!” calls Nori from his place in the queue.

 

Thorin moves to press his back against the tree, keeping his feet together and standing tall. As quick as you can you make a mark for his height and write TH next to the little mark.

 

“There done, Dwalin you’re next.” you say ushering Dwalin into place.

 

“Well who’s the winner?” asks Kili impatiently.

 

“Give us a minute.” answers Balin shooing the dwarves away like small children.

 

“Lass did you not think to note more than the first letter of their names?” inquires the advisor in disbelief.

 

“I just forgot that most of you have names that start with the letter B!” you shrug innocently.

 

You really do try your best to ignore the absolute look of scepticism from the old dwarf.

 

“Do you agree with the decision lass?”  asks Balin firmly with a sigh, pointing to the mark that is highest upon the tree.

 

“Yes.”

 

Moving back toward the fire Balin clears his throat before taking a deep breath and drawing the moment out as long as possible to the torture of his companions.

 

“Okay the tallest dwarf here, by a whole inch is…Thorin!” declares Balin once all of the company have settled around the fire.

 

“Does that mean I get the kiss?” asks Thorin impatiently.

 

“Yes!”

 

You slowly move over to the dwarf in question and quickly kiss him on the lips, much to the chagrin of the others, especially Kili who looks like he may eaten something extremely sour, possibly even a whole bag of lemons.

 

“There now it's settled the tallest dwarf here is Thorin, followed by Dwalin and Bofur.” says Balin moving back to his spot by the fire.

 

Sitting down Thorin delicately takes off his new shoes and replaces them with his sturdy steel-toed, dwarf-made boots.

 

“Where did you get those?” asks Balin, joining his king on fallen log.

 

“That last village we stopped in I saw the womenfolk there wearing these tall shoes thought they’d be a good idea.” shrugs the king-in-waiting nonchalantly.

 

“That's cheating, they, they made you taller!’ cries Bofur indignantly, as he stirs the nights stew.

 

“No it's not and I’m still the same height it’s just my shoes that have got taller!” says Thorin adamantly, unwilling to give up his rights to be the tallest, which only causes the younger members of the company to fall into a deeper sulk.

 

“Dwarves,” you say to yourself quietly “they do love a loophole.”

 

Sitting next to Bilbo you wait until you’re sure that all of the dwarves are busy and gently lean toward him and tenderly peck Bilbo on the cheek “Thank you for helping my dear hobbit.” you say, trying to hide your blush and ignoring the baffled looks from the dwarves.

 

“How come Bilbo got a kiss?”  squeaks Kili suddenly…dropping his pipe in shock.

 

“Yeah even I’m taller than him!” joins his brother.

 

Ignoring them completely you move to your bedroll and let the company argue this new issue amongst themselves, knowing full well it will take hours before they settle again.

 

~


End file.
